I’ve had the urge to write something a bit more personal lately, yes I’m a book blogger and love doing reviews and checking out new books but I would also like for you to get to know me as a person a bit better and I would like to finally explain how anxiety has played a big part in my life.
As some of you may already know I have suffered with anxiety in the past, I suffered a lot during secondary school and missed a few years of education because if it. While this was happening I didn’t quite understand what was happening to me or why it was happening to me. I attended school meeting after school meeting with my mom, I broke down in tears, I got angry, my mom got angry but nothing seemed to progress. My school teachers only cared about getting me in and getting my attendance up, I was so surprised by this because I thought as adults, as parents and as teachers they would at least try to understand how I was feeling, but they didn’t, when I said I panicked at the thought of school and get my self really upset they told me to get a doctors letter to confirm it then they can work from there.
Can you believe after three years of arguing, crying and all the frustration I went through that finally I met somebody who came in just to see me and after an hour of talking to her she said she’d like to help and she’d put me in contact with a therapist. I never saw this woman again, I can’t even remember her name but I wish I could because today I would like to thank her, after an hour of speaking with her she supported me more than any of my teachers did after 6 years. – Don’t get me wrong they were great teachers, in their field, but when it came to personal problems they just didn’t know what to do, they couldn’t even just speak to me and try and understand the situation I was going through.
So I met my therapist, I had very little time with her but she changed my life. I still found it difficult to go to school but while I had her there my attendance went up and I didn’t feel so bad. She let me talk about anything without judging and it wasn’t always the bad things in life, it was also the things I enjoy, my family, friends and my partner. She was a friend that understood and was there to help, she never pressured me but gave me advice on how to conquer my last year or so at school.
If I had more time with her I would of finished school with a much better attendance, I know this, but I only had a set amount of time with her, but to this day it doesn’t matter to me that I didn’t finish school or that I didn’t get any GCSE’s and didn’t attend my prom because I got one thing out of the whole experience that was worth a whole lot more and that was an understanding of my anxiety.
To anybody who hasn’t suffered with anxiety you may think that missing out on my education and prom was a bigger deal, but it wasn’t at all, the fact I have this understanding of anxiety now has helped me grow and make my own choices without thinking I’m going completely insane every time I worry. I now know I can find ways to calm myself down and I now know that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.
I’m not saying that every day is perfect, I still have moments, hours, days or even weeks when anxiety likes to get the better of me but at least now I have many more happier times, I can now go weeks feeling good instead of feeling crap e v e r y , s i n g l e, d a y.
After school guess what I did? I threw myself right in to college!
Snippit of information for you, my school teachers asked me first if I wanted to go to college after school. I told them yes, they then went ahead and told me that NO COLLEGE would accept me.
I’m really annoyed at what they said because they could of said that to anyone and depending on who it was, that person, student, may have believed their teachers and gave up from the start. Thinking, what’s the point?
Luckily they said it to me and I’m the type of person who thinks, tell me I can’t and I will. Their words weren’t going to stop me from reaching for my goals. So I applied to a local college and they accepted me, I did two years studying media and I went through some of the same experiences I did at school, I panicked, I worried, I cried. But do you know what the big difference was? It was that my tutor at college listened to me when I was worried, she told me to not let get things get on top of me and get too much for me, she rang me up one day because I had been off for a few days with no contact, I answered, worried that she was going to want a reason and it wouldn’t be good enough.. Instead the first thing she said was “Haven’t seen you in a few days Sarah, I just wanted to see if everything was okay?” I told her I was having a hard time and she replied “No problem, we’re breaking up at the end of the week for half term, do you want to come back after half term and I can send you the work we’ve been doing over to you?”
I felt like screaming, me and my family went through SO MUCH stress for SIX YEARS because nobody was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt but as soon as I headed to college I knew there was people there for me.
Once I finished my second year at college I was still struggling but I pulled through, got all my work finished, on time and achieved some high grades. My tutor then planned a one to one with me and she asked me what I was interested in doing, I didn’t know at that point, where I wanted to be but she said to me that she thought I was ready to go off into the real world and work for a living. She thought that it would help me and that I was ready.
As you could imagine, starting to look for my first real job was nerve racking! But how right my lecturer was. I got my first interview for a support workers job and nailed it! I have currently been working with the company for a year, when I first started I had it in my head that I would leave after a month, but here we are today and I LOVE my job. I get to support people with different types of disabilities to make their lives easier, to help them live life to the fullest and I’ve met some wonderful people.
I was actually inspired to write this because not that long ago I had a hiccup, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner to be honest. I had been scheduled in to do some training for work in a place that I’ve never been before, I would of had to take a train, get off and then grab a bus to another place, god knows where? Then walk 5 or 10 minutes to the building. – I panicked sooo much but the panic didn’t come until the morning of the training, I got myself up, tried to ignore it, brushed my teeth, came back to my bedroom to get dressed and all of a sudden, that was it, I broke down in tears and there was no stopping me.
I gave my mom a phone call and she told me that it was best to not go and to not put myself through all the worry. I felt so guilty, I felt like I let my manager down and that I was stupid for worrying, I emailed my manager and I’m still worried now to what she may think but all in all I know my mom was right.
Anxiety is not something you should let have a hold of your life, but sometimes it’s better to just accept it and to not push yourself to prove a point, you don’t want to make a situation worse than it is.
So I would like to thank all those who have helped me, my mom being the main one, she has always stood by me even if she couldn’t understand where my worry came from, my college teachers and of course my therapist. Also my big brothers and sister in law who have never judged me and my boyfriend, who is my shoulder to cry on.
Also to the blogger community, I haven’t been in it long but MY GAWWWD are you lot understanding! I’ve never felt more accepted than right here on my little blog. – Thank you.